i got strep throat again. second time this semester. cause = 2 college nationals back to back, and then staying up for 3 days straight writing papers that are B's at best....

the beauty of being really fucking sick is my inability to talk to anyone. gives me a chance to reflect on some of the fucked up shit i did last week...i feel confused, guilty, and lonely. i'm angry at myself for doing everything i vowed as a kid to never ever do. everyone comes up to me and gives me props for these 2 slam titles, but they don't mean shit if i can't look at myself in the mirror - something i haven't been able to do for a week now. this strep throat is a punishment for treating people like shit last week, for being a cocky cock-led bastard, and out of the fear that i may be an asshole in the future.

having dinner at emily's house on a sunday with everyone again was the shit. Jimmy's blog today is great(jymme.blogspot.com) because like jimmy it's just very pure and honest. i miss the team meetings.

i'm feeling Biggie more than Pac

mosquito's suck.

saw ursula rucker perform last night at the Cultural Resistance event at Pauley Ballroom. in one of her pieces, she says the 'slow down' line, as performed by Mos Def....but when she asked the crowd from which song did mos borrow that line from, i knew it - Brand Nubian. she approached me after the show and gave me a free cd for my small knowledge of early 90s hip hop. i was smiling from ear to ear. she performed "returned to innocense lost" as seen on the roots "things fall apart". amazing shit.

i'm missing jimmy's long hair, but he's always looking fresh regardless.

on the N Muni train in san francisco there was this girl sitting across from me. i noticed her the moment i stepped onboard. her entire outfit revolved around this light purpole flip flops she had - matching nails, shirt, even eye shadow and purse. with her head cocked to the side, she looked so confident, almost frightening. then all of a sudden, she realized she was on the train, and turned into a four year old searching for someone to tell her which way to go in order to find her way home. confidence lost. scared in the Castro looking for market st. nothing was matching anymore.

ohhh snap.

never urinate into a street at 4am when a Berkele squad car is right down the block.

geto boy "my mind is playing tricks on me"

lol:::http://www.wearecatalyst.8m.com

ah, P4P paper. damn you. i got beef with the class. errr.

a lil trip this weekend?

writing?

chap book?

ah, the possibilities...but oh the procrastination (it's 10am, paper has to be done by noon, and i'm on page 3 outta 7-10. fuck).

my ego is outta control right now. time to relax.

is wayne brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

rilo kiley "the good that won't come out"

damn you jenny and your unattractive husband/bandmate/guitarplayer.

4am. another all nighter. multiple essays due tomorrow and wednesday. i started writing new poems and brainstorming about a short story. signed my lease for staying here in the summer, first summer away from los angeles. tea with honey and caffeine is amazing. scared i have strep throat again. feeling happy. camilo and i will one day sit on milk crates underneath a lemon tree in fontana listening to futbol game on the radio with corona's on our sides with our stetsons that match our pleather cowboy boots. odelay. vast aire's new cd drops tomorrow, cop it on some funk flex shit. looking forward to writing said short story. looking forward to collaborating with the thong. thinking way too much about oakland/sf team possibilities - could the super team happen? am i allowed in? being a minor sucks sometimes. if i saw you and said hi, would you reply back? one of the dudes from dead prez got arrested today. christina says they're kinda assholes...i believe her. i had a torta today. mmm. sage francis is in the new issue of URB - get it, read it, love it. and the kanye article in the source is coo too. his childhood photos prove he's always had fucked up cheeks. new slang word for the 909: faggotron. don't ask. denzel is dope in "training days". ethan hawke sucks as usual. i think my bedroom is haunted. for an example of a coherent post, see yesterdays. feeling frisky. back to the grind and tea...ah, the tea.

living in the heart of los angeles on olympic blvd right near alvarado and the whole macarthur park area for 5 days was a trip. all for poetry too. and for free. against 27 teams from across the country (and london too), the Youth Speaks team from Berkeley won it all. so in one week, i have been a member of two national slam champion teams. i'm a two time national slam champion bitches!!!!! hehe. i feel very fortunate...blessed...just happy. much love to the entire 2004 bay area teams - SF: George, Emiliano, Nayeli, Maylani. BERKELEY: Kirya, Amelia, Dahlek (illiteracy wuht).

at the same time, i really hate being around ultra-competitive poets that won't even LOOK at you because you won the slam. that happened at college nationals, and again at youth nationals, and i'm over it. i thought poetry was a way for writers to all come together and escape the petty junior high bullshit of everyday life - i was sorely mistaken.

i did meet some cool people though. thankfully, the assholes were a small, but strong, minority of the competition.

and i'm realizing the more and more i allow myself to be myself, the more i have a smile on my face.

i honestly have everything and simultaneously nothing to say right now.

i met saul williams. he's a brilliant and nice human being.

also saw beau sia perform for the first time.

i constantly have a feeling of longing lodged within my brain...like your missing something/someplace that you just desperately want to hold on to. though i'm from LA, i've always known that since i moved to berkeley i could never really feel "home" again - i'm just clutching onto past memories that were never that great in the first place. the only good thing about los angeles is my family. on the other hand, i don't feel comfortable in this cold northside berkeley bedroom either...nor do i feel comfortable in the arms/lips of lovers i don't really love, yet desire to love.....i'm longing for sometype of unidentifiable object that feels utterly and hopelessly unattainable. very similar to Albert Camus' "Myth Of Sisyphus" - you can push the rock up the mountain all your life, but each time you get close to the top, it'll fall right back down...the real challenge is to keep pushing, keep trying.

so where do i fit into all this existentialist bullshit? do i? will i? should i?

sleeping on hotel room floors ain't that bad. i recommend the wrap-yourself-in-your-comforter-like-a-burrito-method (no pun intended with the burrito comment).

congrats to jimmy and mush for publishing their first chap books. much love.

album of the moment:
Savath & Savalas "Apropa't"

Shane Koyczan, my new favorite spoken word dude::::

an excerpt from "Afraid"

"I would chop down my own family tree
to make paper and write out a hundred different poems
explaining how beautiful you are to me
like your skin is where silkworms gather to understand things like softness
and you know I could go on but I've been aboard that friend ship
for so long that I'm seasick and vomiting over the edge while dreaming
of mutiny
we live our lives under the scrutiny of a world
that rewards confidence over eloquence
but if uncertainty is the only thing that's keeping us apart
then I just want to hop that fence strip you down to your confusions
and spend all night making sense to you
because if we're not waiting...we're...hesitating"

i've been vomiting on the friend ship way too long.

announcement::: the uc berkeley slam team will be featuring at the next Tourette's Without Regrets at the Oakland Metro right near Jack London's Square. It's the biggest slam in the bay area, and I am soooo excited. a true honor. shot out to Geoff "the trench" Trenchard. See you Thursday, April 27th, 830ish

i'm going going, back back to cali cali....or, los angeles that is. ah, let the smog inhalation begin.

song of the moment:
Red Hot Chili Peppers "Save the Population"

like the use of bold throughout this post? i do.

let the madness begin:::

made absolutely no progress on any of my essays.

feeling sick. been suckin on ricola drops all damn day.

the new modest mouse album is great - "good news for people who love bad news" - and i'm feeling the old Dr.Octagon album a lot. '97 what.

basically stressing the fuck out. i got a day to do pretty much 2 huge essays and all this other bullshit.

applying for a summer internship with youth speaks.

my sabatical came and went.

emily's e-mail made me smile.

jimmy tran's "right man" poem about his mediocre penis was quoted in the Daily Cal so now everyone in the school knows about his package. genius.

if i put myself in this situation, gotta get myself outta it.

trying not to sound corny.

i miss carl's jr.

Ladies and gentleman, your 2004 National Collegiate Poetry Champions.....UC BERKELEY.

fucking amazing 3 days. met new people, saw some old friends, heard some amazing poets, and ah gawd the alcohol. The finals were amazing - The Suicide Kings and Shane Koyczan (new favorite poet) were amazing, and SAGE FRANCIS holy shit redefining hip hop....goddamn can't believe we did it but we did. To the team (Mush, Josh, Jimmy 'The Thong' Tran) and the entire Bay ARea spoken word community --- THANK YOU.

and now wednesday morning, i leave for another one - the 2004 Youth Speaks nationals in Los Angeles. I heard a team from London is coming! And another from good 'ol Fontana, CA!! Where I was born biatch! 909 represent.

and i'm thinking about making a third team this year - either the Oakland or San Francisco city teams. We shall see about that....that's the major leagues.

and yes, i have 3 papers due within a two week span, and yes i'm behind on reading, yada yada yada but i'm young, i'm doing what i wanna do right now because i only have a limited time to do it, and i'm happy.

this feels like one big exhale.

meraj, regarding a poem about small penises

BombardmentSoc: i want that guys poem in my profile. people would be so fucking confused
caenTAE: haha
BombardmentSoc: they'd say, "but i thought meraj had a huge dick"
caenTAE: lol
caenTAE: LOL
caenTAE: so gay
BombardmentSoc: lol
BombardmentSoc: you know its big, bitch

got 8th outta i think 15 poets at the youth speaks finals, thus putting me on one of the two bay area youth speaks teams. it was fun performing in front of 1200 people in at Herbst Theatre in downtown SF...surreal if you will.

so now i'm on the Cal Slam team and the Bay Area Youth Speaks team. College nationals are this thursday through saturday, then tuesday i think i fly to LA for youth speaks nationals for like 4 days or something. two nationals in like a 10 day period. brilliant.

friday night was the Proletariat Bronze open mic at the Pro ARts gallery in downtown oakland. Free wine + Jimmy Tran = an amazing drunk night with the boys.

feeling very tired. getting back on track with school slowly but surely. need to go watch 'eternal sunshine' tomorrow. i can't believe uconn beat duke. bah. oh, and glorious workshift for the next two days. i need to complain less and do more.

content -
jose.